Oby Love — Adult attachment and love-style frameworks | obylove.com
Secure, preoccupied, dismissing and fearful differ on exactly two scores — model of self and model of others — and this page shows each cell with its survey percentage and a way to place yourself on the same axes.
Bartholomew's 1991 model is the cleanest way to compare the four styles because it uses one grid for all of them. Run a positive or negative model of self down one side, a positive or negative model of others across the top, and the four styles fall into the four cells without overlap.
Secure (plus self, plus others) expects reach to be answered. Under stress the secure move is direct: name the problem, ask for what would help, accept comfort when it arrives. In Hazan and Shaver's 1987 survey this was the largest group at about 56%.
Preoccupied (minus self, plus others) expects love to be withdrawn without warning. The stress move is protest: repeated calls, testing, escalation until the partner responds. This corresponds to the anxious group, about 19% of the 1987 sample.
On narrow screens, swipe or scroll the plate sideways.
Dismissing (plus self, minus others) expects reach to be refused or used against you, so the stress move is deactivation: go quiet, get busy, insist nothing is wrong. This corresponds to the avoidant group, about 25% in 1987.
Fearful (minus on both) wants the closeness it also expects to be hurt by, so approach and withdrawal alternate — the visible tell is the swing. Because the 1987 survey used three categories, this cell carries no percentage from that source; it exists from 1991 onward.
To place yourself, score both axes from 0 to 10 using the last year rather than the last week, then keep a 14-day conflict log and check whether you chase, withdraw or steady. A 36-item ECR-style questionnaire gives the same two scores formally. If your arguments are the part you recognise most, the next page to read is /four-horsemen-conflict; if the mismatch is in how you and a partner express care, go to /five-love-languages.
Further reading